CATS KILL SATANISTS
of the Leader of the Gang
Local residents claim that Goths are being stalked and killed by a Covey of Wild Black Cats recently seen in the vicinity. Villagers say this is the third incident in three months and that the carnage always occurs at the full moon but the local police are not making progress.
Police Sergeant David Rhys admitted that wounds on the Satanists were consistent with the tearing of flesh by one or more wild animals but he would not be drawn on whether the killers were cats. He said that the post mortems had revealed that the victims lost a considerable amount of blood through hundreds of very small cuts but each had actually died from shock - evidenced from their frozen grimaces of terror.
Locals in this stereotypically English village are now barricading their doors as Halloween approaches fearing that they too might be mistaken for Satanists and end up as victims of Killer Cats on the rampage.
Annie Malabuce, an RSPCA inspector from nearby Ludlow confirmed that there had indeed been repeated sightings of large groups of black cats in Shropshire recently. 'They may be living wild on the Brecon Beacons, only emerging into populated areas on the full moon to appease their blood lust ' - she added.
But local UFOlogist James Goody believes otherwise. He has made a five year study of the Satanist Killing Cats and says that they are in fact posing as ordinary household moggies, appearing to all intents and purposes as kindly and loving pets during the day but who, at a time and place chosen by their leader, a big Ginger Tom (see E-fit above) , rally together on the full moon to caterwaul themselves into a frenzy and then hunt down their victims to perform a ritualistic killing of any Satanists they can locate. When asked for proof Mr Goody said 'Just count the claw marks, you'll find 666 lacerations on each body'.
Ivan Hevelstryk, A spokesperson for the Church of Satan, the world's largest Satanic Self Help Group, said that he had been trying to bring this persecution of Satanists by cats to the notice of the authorities both in the U.K. and the U.S.A. but so far no-one would take the matter seriously. Mr Hevelstryk said he believed that the usual claims of Satanists sacrificing cats at Halloween was actually part of a government conspiracy to cover-up the existence of a growing native population of marauding Killer Cats so as not to alarm the populace. ' Ordinary people seem more concerned with the supposed killing of a local moggie than they do about the real slaying of a Satanist. Satanists are human beings too you know.' he said
Mrs Irma Syleburgher, from the pressure group Organisation For Freedom of Animal Lives (OFFAL) said that such horrible killings were only to be expected because pet food manufacturers had been secretly padding their animal foodstuffs out with genetically modified protein for some years. OFFAL's research showed that this made Cats much more viscious and dangerous than they would otherwise be and very prone to destructive urges.
Scotland Yard refused to comment but did put us in touch with Inspector D.D. Douite of the Euro-Task force on Satanist Killings who agreed that many incidences of Cats Killing Satanists had been reported throughout France and Germany during 2007. He provided us with the E-fit photo above. Inspector Douite said that anyone coming across the Cat should not approach it but instead telephone the Euro-Task force on +43 0052-536897561.
The NSPCC and the RSPCA have set up a communal helpline ( 022554897) for young cats trying to escape from this dangerous cat cult. Director of Operations Mr Al Wezunangal commented: "Cat's Killing Satanists? Really? Excellent! This looks like a grand opportunity for fund-rasing.... er helping poor down-trodden cats, to me"
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