METRO 18TH SEPTEMBER2006
ROGUE'S GALLERY: HALLOWEEN 2006: ROGUE'S GALLERY: HALLOWEEN 2006:ROGUE'S GALLERY:
Jumping on The Bandwagon: A new slant on the yearly Halloween offerings from ChristianActivists and Media Plants
By Eamonn Acker-Allrayt
A Hypocrite yesterday claimed that Halloween merchandise like scary masks and witch costumes helped to create a 'climate of fear' very much like that awful image of an emaciated man nailed to a cross with blood dripping from a wound in his belly. A Christian Bishop suddenly became strident, having said very little throughout the year about children being beaten to death in Church Exorcisms (or the Vatican having to pay out millions of pounds in damages to cover the tracks of hundreds of child-abusing priests), instead he rounded on retailers for helping to promote a 'dark and negative'side of the pagan festival of Halloween on October 31st. The lesser-known clergyman had noticed that the ancient pagan religion of the British Isles was getting far too much positive coverage and thought this would be an appropriate time to enhance his profile by joining in the ancient ceremony of Pagan Bashing. Despite pleas from politicians and other church leaders to unify the differing faiths in the U.K. to a common cause and avoid religious extremism, the Right Rev was taking this opportunity to denigrate the sincere beliefs of hundreds of thousands of UK pagans. Why not! The Church had a long track record of torturing dissenters to protect it's own position. Surely being able to insult the tenets of another belief was part of our national heritage? Except for those ultra-sensitive nice Moslem people of course - be sure to report that I didn't say anything about THEM, oh,and the Jews - they also are influential ; and the Hindus, don't forget theHindus. In the good old days we could breach the human rights of anyone we liked with impunity but, sadly, it seems that the only people one can get away with aiming sectarian hate at these days are those pagan types and as Halloween only comes around once a year I am not going to miss a minute of it!
The Bishop called on Britain's biggest supermarkets , and anyone else who would listen, to stop promoting Halloween paraphernalia and provide goods such as Crucifixes, Religious Tracts, Holy Bibles , Hymn books, Apostle Spoons and Sunday School Gift Vouchers instead of those horrible horned masks which kids really , really love. Halloween is now worth millions and we don't seem to be getting any of it, he added. I don't care if the kids do enjoy themselves on Halloween, religion is NOT about enjoyment, it is about suffering and guilt. Metaphysical practices should not be condoned , particularly if they are presented in a light-hearted enjoyable form. Religion is a serious business you know; now get out of the way whilst I put on a dress and feed my parishioners the blood and body of my saviour.
The Bishop is 93.
Note from Sub-Editor: Sorry Eamonn, we can't print that you've gotall the facts wrong. We'll just have to go with the usual yearly outpouringfrom the Bishop's press office so:
METRO 18TH SEPTEMBER2006
A Bishop Yesterday claimed that Halloween merchandise like scary masks andwitch costumes helped to create a 'climate of fear' . The Bishop of Boltonsaid retailers were helping to promote a 'dark and negative' side of thefestival on October 31. The Right Rev David Gillett (pictured) also called on Britain's biggest supermarkets to sell alternative goods such as balloons and hair braids instead of horned masks. He said: Occult Practices should not be condoned even if they are only presented in a light-heartedform.
By Eamon Acker-Allrayt
A Clergyman took his kids out of school because of a sectarian hate campaign. . He didn't want his kidsdressing up for Halloween in case it harmed them but his actions may have backfired. Now he may be prosecuted for religious hate under new laws enacted by the Scottish Parliament.
The Methodist preacher banned his daughters from attending a charity fun-day at their school. He said:
'Causing panic or fear to children is wrong and I don't want mine to be any part of that which is why I am warning them that they will end up being roasted over an open fire and eaten alive by worms and devils if they go so far as to wear fancy dress costumes to a kid's party.
Of course some will say I have used them as pawns in my own sectarian hate campaign against Paganism and I shouldn't have allowed them to be photographed and identified in the newspaper. I t's true that as a Christian I'm completely against the ancient tradition of Halloween. After all, it was celebrated for hundreds of years before Christianity came to Britain and I really don't think waverers should know that; as it could result in a steeper decline in the already dwindling attendance at my church. 'I spent four years as a mental health chaplain you know. I saw the damage that this kind of thing can do to people. Nutters are always telling us 'God made them do it.' but to my mind the Devil is behind everything.
'Every year we have the same thing. Halloween quite simply puts kids at risk from being scared witless by religious bigots. Somebody aught to do something about it because quite frankly I can't help myself. As soon as those luminous fangs and devil costumes appear in the shops I go into a fit of moralistic outrage and get uncontrollable urges to ring up the local newspaper.
The school's head teacher said
" This event had nothing to do with promoting paganism - it was about raising money for Childlying and then this kill-joy Preacher jumped on it. The Kids were allowed to come to school in whatever clothes they wanted and they all enjoyed themselves immensely.'
A Spokesman for Childlying Said '
'Whilst it is true that during the Satanic Panic of 1989-1994 we did pronounce on the dangers of Satanism, that was when the hot money was on there being a country wide satanic conspiracy to sacrifice 4,000 children a year. Now that we all know the allegations were utterly false and were started by religious fanatics we are not about to be stampeded into anything so passe as Halloween Costumes. This controversy is not about such things; it's about making sure that we get the maximum amount of dosh from our supporters. After all, the safety of Children is the very reason that Childlying exists.'
The Minister is 87.
Note from Sub-Editor: Look Eamonn, will you please make sure you write up your copy BEFORE you go for your liquid lunch! We can't print this infactual rubbish. We'll just have to go with the usual:
THE SUN Wednesday, October
18,2006
GHOUL'S OUT
MINISTER HAULS HIS KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL HALLOWEEN BASH
A Furious Minister took his kids out of school - because he didn't want them dressing up for Halloween.
Rev Andrew Renshaw 38, banned his daughters from attending a charity fun dayat Peterhead Academy Aberdeenshire. And he insists it is 'wrong' that Rebecca14, Rachel 13 were told they could dress as witches or ghouls. Rev Renshaw,Left, minister of the town's Methodist Church said 'Causing panic or fear to children is wrong and I don't want mine to be any part of that.
As a Christian I'm completely against Halloween.
I spent four years as a mental health chaplain and saw the damage the occult does to people.' .And the dad of four says his daughters supported his banon the Wear to Scare event, which raised funds for Childline last Thursday.He said. 'The girls didn't want to go . They know that for this to be promoted in schools is wrong'.
And Rev Renshaw who has two other daughters Sara, Seven and Hannah four with wife Janet said;
'Halloween puts kids at risk'
But head teacher Susan Alley said This had nothing to do with promoting Halloween- it was about raising money for charity.
The Kids were allowed to come to school in whatever clothes they wanted.'
And a Spokesman for Childine Said
'The safety of Children is the very reason that Childine exists.'
Ends:
.
Send your problems to Dr Carrot no matter how illiterate; some bored hack ghost-writing for him will spice it up for general consumption. If you are a cretin, a fundamentalist agent provocateur or just a sad prat with an axe to grind, Dr Carrot want's to hear from you!
Ghostwritten by Eamonn Acker-Allrayt
Inane Question: My mum has revealed that when she was a child she read so much of the yearly coverage about Halloween that she became seriously scared. At one time she was incoherent for an hour but then she had the other half bottle of Bell's and managed to come out of it. Could something serious happen to a sane person from being bored witless every year by an avalanche of media opportunism at Halloween? Could it cause a complete lack of discernment or just turn her into a sectarian bigot?
Patronising Answer: I'm glad you wrote to me about this because it gives me chance to fill half my column with a sexy picture of a model wearing a Halloween witch costume and get paid for doing half as much work. We all have a different tolerance for jokes . Some people say this column is a joke. But seriously, some acts done under the banner of Hallowen Pranks can be so scary, so humiliating and so awfully vindictive they can shake a child's understanding of relationships and life. Yes, Really! I am not sure quite what those would be or how, exactly, somebody saying 'BOO!' at Halloween could permanently interfere with relationships and life, but that's what it says here in my Bible and I always find it wise to play to the gallery if I want to keep the mesuma rolling in. If you want any more information you'll have to go see a proper doctor.
A sensitive child should NOT be out enjoying themselves on Halloween. Instead they should be indoors watching something educative like incidents of kidnapping on Crimestoppers, playing Kick-Ass Video Nasty games, or seeing News about children having their legs blown off in Mr Blair's Holy war in Iraq. A caring parent cannot prevent such experiences (unless they turn the TV off) but can ease a child's fear and soothe their feelings by talking about it and , perhaps, playing back the clip of the child's legs coming off in slow motion, thereby helping to put it all into context. 'Look there they go!' It is the parent's prerogative to share things like this and keep their offspring away from the terribly corosive affects of having fun at Halloween. This dark pagan festival can easily lead to people being frightened of Halloween Costumes and if your mother is in this position I strongly advise her against joining the Army, Policeforce or becoming a bus driver . However, it is unlikely to cause a serious mental illness such as has occured with people who have had to write columns like this. In short don't worry too much as Halloween will be around again in 12 months time and we can always find something to say about that can't we!
Dr Gareth is 97
Note from Sub-Editor: Look Eamonn, you've got to stop doing this. Telling the public what you really think will not wash in British Society today. The public want to hear the usual pre-digested prejudicial sectarian bigotry which gives them a warm feeling on a Sunday morning whilst they are waiting for the missus to cook the Roast. We can't print this made up rubbish. We'll just have to go with the usual:
Dr
Gareth's Column:Sunday Mail: October 29, 2006
Q: My mum has revealed that when I was young, my brother scared me so badly one Halloween that I was incoherent for an hour. Could something serious happen to a child from being sared by a practial joke? Could it Cause Depression?
A: We all have a different tolerance for jokes and some acts done under the banner of Hallowen pranks can be so scary, humiliating and vindictive they can shake a child's understanding of relationships and life. A caring parent cannot prevent such expereiences but can ease a child's fear and soothe their feelings by talking about it and helping to put it into context. Your childhood scare may have left you frightened of Halloween or Costumes but it is unlikely to cause a serious mental illness such as depression so don't worry too much.
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